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English Medical Researchers Studying Astros Pitchers to Prove Existence of New Virus, Astrid 20

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English Medical Researchers Studying Astros Pitchers to Prove Existence of New Virus, Astrid 20

In a joint project with scientists located in the Astros’ “Nerd Cave,” England’s foremost medical research publication, The Glancet , is instigating a study of a possible new virus that seems to attack pitching arms.

World leading virologist, Hu Bang, is leading the team.

“What strikes me about this outbreak of arm trouble on the Astros is the rapid exponential rate of increase.” said Bang. ”It has all the hallmarks of a viral infection.”

It is believed that Lance McCullers may be the original vector of this career killing virus, first contracting the symptoms in late 2018. Since joining his team this Spring, Justin Verlander, Brad Peacock, Joe Biagini, Austin Pruitt, Ryan Pressly, Chris Devenski, and most recently Roberto Osuna, have exhibited similar symptoms. They include: coughing up bad pitches, fever at the sight of opposing batters, chills at the very thought of taking a pitching mound, overall weakness, general malaise and lack of pitching libido resulting in slow fastballs and hanging sliders

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Even top prospect Forrest Whitley, who is currently not even on the team, seems to have contracted the mystery ailment.

One special area of research will be whether this was a naturally occurring virus, perhaps a mutant form of Covid 19, or whether rogue scientists from the LA and/or New York areas created a “designer virus” especially suited to attack Astros arms.

One researcher on the team, who preferred to remain anonymous, acknowledged how unlikely a designer virus just for the Astros was. But he added “we won’t discount any possibility. You wouldn’t believe the advancements in technology for developing novel coronaviruses, and there are people in the baseball world […]

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